If you're looking for some sort of hopeful and upbeat post, you are in the wrong place today, my friend. The wrong place. Sometimes a girl just needs to let it all out for random readers in random places that she does not know. ;)
Today I feel..... angry. At the world. At my situation. And also scared. It's a mixed bag of reasons really. I miss me and I miss my life.
I miss the routine of showering, rushing around in the morning saying to myself, "I have nothing to wear.." but actually having TONS of things to wear (simply because they fit!), maintaining my eyebrows each day (again with the brows... I guess they really matter to me!!), my baby boy being delighted to follow me around as I get ready - talking my ear off, giving kissies and hugs goobye (doesn't want me to leave when sitter gets there), turning on my car radio, getting my large mocha in the drive-thru - and sayin "hi" to the workers that I see daily, and praying that God will help me to be a fair and firm teacher today and will reveal to me what He wants me to accomplish. "Open my eyes, show me who I can show your love to today. Help me to show grace to (multiple students' names go here...ha)."
I miss seeing the sunrise on my drive to work, the beautiful corn fields, horses, farmers. I miss yelling at all the slow country drivers... and cussing them out/trying to pass them in my minivan.... and then the feeling of guilt/remorse when I remember that I'm listening to Christian radio and in the middle of my morning prayer. (I suffer from road rage... it's a problem) And then finally getting to work and preparing things for my students, leaving some of them sticky notes on their desk to remind them of their daily behavior goal... or of some other reminder like "You're a car rider today!" AND then their smiles in the morning! Buzz in the hallway..."WALK!! TAKE THAT HAT OFF!" Being productive!!! Making a difference each day, laughing at my kids' jokes all day, rushing to get home to spend time with my 2 year old ... even though much of the evening is a tantrum...., and THEN:
Baby is down. Kitchen is clean (maybe). And it's just Luke and I and we finally get to do what we've been waiting ALL day to do: watch TV together and eat snacks. When you have kids, this is your sanity as a couple! We save our funniest stories - we're both public school teachers so this is a given each day - for this precious time. Or maybe we dealt with a ridiculous parent?!? That's always a good story as well. And finally comes the weekend - going out to eat together as a family, out and about running errands, taking naps - before it all starts over.
And now. This.
Everything has changed. Did I mention that the weekend the Hyperemesis kicked in full force, we also moved into a new home? All those good memories are in our "old" house and so far I have no good memories in our "new" house. Since we've been here, I haven't worked, and I've noticed about 1,000 disgusting smells in various rooms. There aren't enough lights in our living room... it's dark. The kitchen is painted this horrible fire truck red on ONE wall (why, WHY?) and pukey sea green on all the other walls with hideous cutains to match. And Luke, my mom, and my close friend J have all tried and tried to find the smell in the kitchen that I can't identify with words and have been unsuccessful. The kitchen is trying to kill me!!
My son doesn't know me anymore. I can't do anything for him at all, and can't even be alone with him. He spent all weekend at my husband's parent's house, while I went to my parents house because we both need babysitters and Luke had to work (bless his heart- he's working 3 jobs currently), so this morning I tried to get up extra early so I could get him ready. My mom has been staying with us to help, but I went downstairs and got my own bagel and apple slices (pre packaged) and came back upstairs to eat them. I gave myself enough time to try to digest them, while being distracted watching tv. (that helps me keep food down sometimes). I went in to go get him dressed and ready and.... he didn't want me. :( He wanted his girlfriend, Grandma. I tried to keep him quiet so she wouldn't wake up quite yet, but the truth was that I couldn't do this on my own. I was winded, lightheaded, and exhausted - all from getting my own breakfast, and walking 2 feet into the next room pulling a clean outfit out for him. Grandma to the rescue.
Oh, and let's not forget that I'm also a joy to be around because of my spitting habit now. I am not exaggerating when I say I need to spit every 30 seconds. And this isn't regular spit - it's thick and foamy at times. My mom is a genius because she put a paper towel inside the spit bowl so that it's not just spit sitting there... I kept spilling the spit bowl on myself...ew, ew, ew... so the paper towel solved that problem. Except that there's no chance I can go in public with my bowl. I guess I could use tissues or something, but that would still look gross. Although, I have become quite good at aiming my spit. I can lay in the bed and spit to the bowl below and make it (most of the time...).
So in a day, my life and my family's lives changed. And it's all for a little baby I do not yet know. And here in welcoming Negative Land I keep thinking about how I'm going to miss sleeping through the night when the baby is born! And... I want to go to the beach!! And ... get me out of this body!!!! I just don't feel like "me" these days, and I don't like who I am becoming. And I'm selfish. I'm missing Christmas parties, birthday parties, and other joyous occassions. I'm not making cookies, wrapping presents, singing Christmas songs, or seeing people. I'm not scrambling around!! Who am I????
I miss me, my husband misses me. And Nolan doesn't...
It's a little hard to focus on the positive while I'm alone in my thoughts all day. So that's the honest truth of where I'm at. Yes, I know it's temporary. Yes, I know that's normal for a 2 year old to bounce back and forth between girlfriends. Yes, I know it's all for a good cause and that God has a wonderful plan for this baby, and for my family. Yes, I know that if I tried a little harder or read my Bible more often, I would be able to get my head out of the gutter. But this is just me right now. Debbie Downer.