So I've never done a blog, or any sort of public journal before. These days I am spending much of my time watching "Sex and the City" reruns, and it has proven to be inspiring as Carrie documents her exciting adventures. We hear her inner monologue as she pounds away on her keyboard making facial expressions that so perfectly display the line she writes. So if you already know me, then please picture my expressions and hear my voice as you read this. And if you don't know me, well, you're missing out.
The purpose of this blog is simply to answer the question "How are you feeling today?" for all my lovely family and friends that have been concerned. When I am going through a whirlwind of sorts, I take the avoidance strategy to cope. I really, really, REALLY, get annoyed when people display their "poor me" story for the world as an attention seeking ploy. (If you know me AT ALL, then you're probably chuckling because of how much I can't stand this quality in people). So as an attempt to be NOTHING like "those people," I simply do the opposite. I don't share. If someone happens to ask me, I'll certainly be honest with them.... but I don't need everyone to know. I just don't! If someone texts me "Hey! What are you up to?" and I happen to be in the hospital, I'll tell them that I'm there and what I'm actually doing, but I don't feel the need to make it my facebook status so I can be comforted by all the comments I get, like "Oh my gosh!! Get well!!" Maybe I'm too secure in my close family and friends that I don't need random Joe that I had algebra with in 8th grade to be "praying for my recovery." I don't like getting attention that way. I like getting attention by bragging about my son instead ;) Or by being funny. Or by sharing embarassing stories. Or by wearing a really great pair of boots. But I don't like bringing attention to myself through some sad story or issue.
And ya know what? My best friends and close family contact me almost daily even when I'm not pregnant just to check in anyway so they probably knew I was headed to the hospital before I even got there...they probably were the ones who encouraged me to go in. So why do people feel the need to have SO much attention from people who don't matter as much anyway? (I just heard Carrie Bradshaw's voice in that question, but it was really mine.)
I will now step off my soap box. Carefully, as to not fall and embarass myself.
So writing about having Hyperemesis and sharing my story as I go is going to be a change. Although I don't need "attention" for this illness, I do need support and understanding from those around me. It is a very misunderstood condition, even by those in the medical field. Researchers are continuing to search for answers about risk factors, treatments, and some kind of continuity in it's patients. I don't need people to feel sorry for me, but I do need respect. It's an extremely discouraging time in life, and when someone compares it to "just" morning sickness, it makes me feel guilty for not being able to function like one would with "just" morning sickness. It makes me feel hesistant to call my doctor AGAIN, even though I haven't had anything to drink in over 72 hours, because I feel like I'm being dramatic or making a big deal out of nothing. When someone doesn't understand what Hyperemesis is, they make comments to me like "Have you tried crackers? Or ginger? Or vitamins? Or sea bands?" Umm... DUH! Or they might say "Oh I totally know how you feel! I couldn't even look at raw meat my first trimester," which really is nothing in comparison.
When Hyperemesis is downplayed by friends, family, and even medical personnel that are uneducated on the topic, I feel defensive. Which is really my own problem. I really can't blame "people" for not knowing how severe and dehabilitating Hyperemesis is to the Hyperematic suffering through it. It's extremely rare! I've only met one other person who truly "got it" and lived through it, face to face. She had her first child and went through hell as a Hyperematic and thought a few years later "Well, it can't get worse!" so got pregnant again. Her second was much, much worse. She and her husband opted to get her tubes tied so she'd never have a chance of enduring it again, and they later adopted two more children. See... that's one major difference right there: Hyperemesis Gravidarum affects one's family plan. My husband and I used to want a lot of children. I dreamt of a big family! Not anymore.
Oh, Erin. You described this all so well. The guilt, frustration and hurt that come from trying to explain HG over and over to people who just don't understand. And you're right. It's not their fault. It's so rare, that most people have probably never even met someone who has had it. But EVERYONE (nearly) has had morning sickness, so they're happy to chip in with cracker suggestions and the "I had that to" stories.
ReplyDeleteAnd it does, very much affect family planning. And that's a very sad, crushing, overwhelming reality to face when you're so sick. Or anytime. I remember realizing at about 7 weeks into my second pregnancy that I'd likely never do this again. It was devastating.
Thinking of you.
-An HG survivor in Minnesota