How to find support without a bra

Wow - I am absolutely blown away and so touched to read your comments. Just a few days ago I was in a depressing vomit scented cloud all alone. I had no idea that there was really a community out there, and that I wanted to be a part of it. And that I needed it. I suppose there are a lot of times when you don't know what you need.... and then your mom, or husband, or best friend kindly suggests a bath. Or toothbrush. Thank you for connecting with me. Thank you for understanding. We can all hope that through continued attention to this topic that more women will get the voice of advocacy that they need.

Just a quick update on the PICC line - I am doing quite well with it so far. And by that I mean there are no signs of infection and the site is less sore. My mom, who is a nurse, is teaching Luke and I to change the tubing and flush the line. Luke is proud of the saline mark he left on the ceiling from his first shot at getting the air bubbles out of the syringe. Hehe. I still feel bad, and my triggers are still the same (movement, smells, thoughts, etc.), and my blood pressure is still pretty low, but I feel mentally more hopeful. I do credit this good day to the fact that I am not having to do anything for myself whatsoever though because I am almost completely able to avoid my triggers... but I will get to that in a bit.

I know I am getting somewhat hydrated finally because I have turned into a disgusting spitting camel. Yesterday, while on my cocktail drip, I fell asleep and woke up to the left half of my face being drenched - not in sweat, like a normal person, but in my own saliva. Ewwww!  I was pretty out of it because of the benedryl, so I just flipped my pillow over and continued napping, switching to laying on my back instead. I fell back asleep, and woke up alarmed because I was choking on, you guessed it, my own spit! How disgusting. So I am now spitting in a bowl every 30 seconds, paying special attention as to not look at it or breathe in because I'd lose it. Although... I'm pretty sure anyone would!

I don't know how anyone can stand to be around me. I can't even stand to be around me! I typically have absolutely nothing nice to say right now. And if you make eye contact with me, I have this gross look on my face like "if you care about me at all, just kill me now." Guess that's a mother's unconditional love, a husband's mistake (jk - i know you love me - you're still around!), a best friend's choice (Jackie S), a child's ignorance, and a nurse's job.

So back to getting support without a bra, which I haven't worn in quite some time.

 I switched doctors for this pregnancy, which is huge. He listens to me, and seems to have a plan.  But probably an even bigger change this time around is that I am letting people help me. My mom packed a bag and came this past Sunday, planning to stay one night, so she could drive me to get my PICC line put in Monday. Well she hasn't left yet (she lives 2 hours away) and Luke and I have been extremely relieved to have her help. It's taken a lot of pressure off of me because naturally, I want to do more than I actually can. I am a go-getter and I like to get things done myself. I don't like to slow down. I hate that I'm a bum at home not working. I have worked since I was 15! Wow... I felt some anger come out just now! Whew! Sorry!

So anyway, because Mom's here, I literally am doing nothing all day. I get out of bed a few times to go to the bathroom, or stretch my back for a minute, but that's it. I haven't been in my kitchen all week, thank the Lord! I only smell the food my mom brings up to me, which is bland. She has been getting Nolan ready for his sitter in the morning and picking him up in the afternoon. She makes dinner for my family, changes diapers, and waits on me.. It's been perfect and I know it's rare that anyone can have this kind of 1 on 1 nurse. I don't have to smell or prepare food OR move. Luke and I have been struggling because we feel bad that she has to put her life on hold, but then she feels bad because she's not sure if she's overstaying her welcome (Ummm def NOT) so it seems to be a good fit right now.

My friend Jackie has also been over every week since we've moved here and insists that I give her a list of things to do.  (By the way, Jackie is married with 4 children and now lives an hour and 15 minutes away!) I have been unable to unpack boxes since the move so she has unpacked my house, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, done laundry, and entertained Nolan for me. She has also cut up and prepared little containers with snacks for me so I can plug my nose, run in the kitchen and get them, and run out. And the crazy part is that she LOVES it. She really does. So I have to let her do it, or she'd be sad. :)  I really don't know why I'm so lucky to have such a great friend...

Additionally, my sister hooked me up with some people involved in the HG community, that she happened to know. I received a few gifts in the mail from someone I have NEVER MET before named Lyle Brooks. He sent me the book "Beyond Morning Sickness," by HG Survivor Ashli Foshee McCall, which is excellent and informative. He also sent me the sweet children's book called, "Mama has Hyperemesis Gravidarum," also by Ms. McCall. I highly recommend both books, but especially "Mama" if you already have children and are dealing with Hyperemesis currently. The first time I read it, I just cried my eyes out because it really validated my feelings about trying to still be a good mommy while also not being able to "be a good mommy" in my eyes. I didn't know anyone else could relate to those feelings.

A few weeks ago, prior to my PICC, trying to live on Zofran alone - I was in a bind because my husband had to work late and there was no one that could come help me take care of Nolan and put him to bed. I laid on the couch, threw a movie on, and hoped he wouldn't need a diaper change. When he started to get hungry, he just left me alone and literally got his own dinner - which consisted of teddy grahams, animal crackers, and apple sauce. He brought me the apple sauce to open, but did everything else all by himself (he's 2.5 yrs old)  and sat at the kitchen table alone to eat. It was such a heartbreaking image. I laid on the couch, unable to move, puking off and on, while my 2 year old had realized he needed to take care of things on his own. How sad. The book "Mama" opened up those feelings of guilt I had and really helped me to acknowledge it, voice it, and let it go. And forgive myself really. It's so difficult to go through what seems like a never ending hell because it's painful, but it's worse seeing your family suffer through it. Clearly the author really "gets it."

The book "Beyond Morning Sickness" gives some wonderful suggestions on how to be helpful to someone with Hyperemesis - so if you have a family member or friend with it, you may want to check it out.

Here are some ways to help that are more specific to me for my family and friends because many of you have asked - because you care!! Which is awesome... so read carefully :

1. I'm so sorry, but I really don't want any visitors and I really can't meet up anywhere. And you know that's not like me normally because I love spending time with people - but it's just too much right now. Try to imagine having the stomach flu 24/7, knowing that it's going to be longer than 48 hours. Months longer.  I am showering on average once every 4-5 days. I can't move without puking. I have to be on my IV 10 hours a day. I'm not good company in person at all. I'd like to crawl in a dark cave and hide there ... So unless I specifically invite you, please don't come. For now. Sorry.... eek.

2. Talking on the phone can be difficult for me at different times of the day. I know it's weird - but something about words moving in and out of my mouth makes me feel worse sometimes. ESPECIALLY if you ask me how I'm feeling on the phone and I have to describe it. I have found this to be a trigger as well. I am usually able to tell you- I can't talk about it - before it's too late, but even saying that in itself can be a trigger. TEXTING/EMAILING is PERFECT and INVITED right now. I do want to TRY to be a good friend to you and I really want to know how YOU'RE doing!!! I do!!

3.If you live close, you're welcome to take Nolan out for some fun! He's my biggest concern these days.

4. Make a meal for Luke and Nolan - poor guys. I can't cook for them or smell what they're eating. I can't clean up dinner, so maybe in a disposable container??

5.  This could be the most important at the moment :Don't expect me to get better just yet. This sounds bad, but I'll explain. When people continuously ask me over and over how I'm feeling, it really starts to get to me because I feel like I should have a good report somewhere in there - to make the person asking feel better almost. I don' t know if that makes sense... but the answer is I feel yucky all the time. I do - and I will for a while. So just assume I feel bad. Maybe rephrase the questions to "What can I do for you right now?" or even just "I'm thinking about you right now."

Anyway, that's what's what with today! Stay tuned....